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Since I chose to not express my emotions, I would have a breaking point. You know the saying, "the straw that broke the camel's back"? This is how I dealt with my emotions throughout my teenager years and adult life. I would just keep a tally in my head of all of the things that would happen against me. (1 Corn. 13:5) SIDE-NOTE: I say this not because I am perfect, but it's hard to see your imperfections if you are keeping tallies of everyone else's wrongs against you. Back to the story: I would never bring it to that person because I didn't want to feel. Some would say I was being phony and you can call it that, but truth be told I was running away from my fears of losing control. I kept my deepest feelings to myself because I believed the lie that they weren't important. I would just roll it off my shoulder and keep it moving. When I could no longer do that or once the straw broke, I would cut that person off and be done with them. Talk about pride! This led to a very unhealthy life of unforgiveness, malice/anger stored in my heart towards others (which is murder in my heart), surface relationships, and not being able to handle/accept the feelings of others (i.e. lack of compassion). All because I didn't want to express my true emotions and handle the problem. Yeah...pretty unhealthy and extremely prideful.
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Because, I didn't express my "negative" emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) I expected others to do the same. When they did express those feelings, all I saw was weakness. I would think to myself, "I never want to look like them. I always want to be able to control my emotions. Just be cool as a cucumber." So I would deal with my emotions in other destructive, nonverbal, crafty ways. I would refuse to talk about situations that required me to express negative emotions by shutting down, or I would become addicted to something, or preoccupied with some intrusive activity that would prevent me from spending time with others. This was all a result of the lack of willpower in caring for my own personal problems and willingness to display my emotions...
Then the amazing happened, I met My Emotional Savior...Jesus Christ. I read The Gospels and learnt how Jesus felt and express all of these emotions! I couldn't believe some of His feelings. I knew that Jesus felt love, gratitude, compassion, etc. But I also learnt that He felt dark emotions outwardly like: sadness (John 11:35), anger towards the people He loved (Mark 10:14), frustration (Mark 8:12), loneliness/emptiness (Matt 27:46), etc. Jesus Christ did more than die on a tree, but He taught us how to live. For me, a part of that was sharing my dark/negative emotions with control. He took my blinders off and made me acknowledge my hidden emotions. (Proverbs 28:13) He made me realize that I was in a battle of deception and denial with myself. I had to take COMPLETE responsibility for being unforgiving (read here about forgiveness) and storing anger in my heart towards others. I couldn't say that I loved Jesus and hate my brother (1 John 4:20). I had to take FULL responsibility for the things I did wrong towards others and repent. I really understood how repentance doesn't make us weak. It is a gift from God that made me realize that I was imperfect and in need of a Savior.
I am a firm believer of your relationship with God is shown in direct reflection with others around you. If you aren't real and honest with God, you are unable to be real and honest with imperfect humans. I had to get real and honest with God about all of my feelings, even the deepest emotional secrets. Once I did that, I was able to start expressing those emotions to others in a healthy way. He also made me realize that I desired control and I would place a list of "shouldas" and "oughtas" on family and friends. He replaced my desire for control with the deepest love. He helped me accept others where they are and not where I think they should be. Talk about a SAVIOR!!!
For so long, I felt like I have been living life with my nostrils barely above water. I felt like I was always fighting to keep myself from drowning in my own anger, unforgiveness, and lack of compassionate towards others. When I became transparent with God with all of my emotions, is when I felt free. I finally understood Jesus just didn't die for me to go to Heaven, but to live a new life here on Earth and TRULY love His people. I have learnt and still am learning to express my feelings in a healthy way to people. In turn, I am learning to be more like my Savior, Jesus Christ.
C.S. Lewis stated it in this way:
God could, had he pleased, have been incarnate in a man or iron nerves, the stoic sort who lets no sigh escape him. Of his great humility he chose to be incarnate in a made of delicate sensibilities who wept at the grave of Lazarus and sweated blood in Gethsemane. Otherwise we should have missed the great lesson that it is by his will alone that man is good or bad and that feelings are not, in themselves, of any importance. We should also have missed the all-important help of knowing that he faced all that the weakest of us face, has shared not only the strength of our nature but every weakness of it except sin. If he had natural courage, that would have been for many of us almost the same as his not being incarnate at all.
Couldn't have hoped for a better Savior than Jesus! Grace and Peace.
|Celebrating the Born Day of the person who makes me |
share my deepest stuff the most besides Jesus!
Maybe you don't have an issue with expressing your true emotions, but need help controlling your emotions...read our blog post called the Punisher.